All hail the paper pants of spray tan !

This LCAs holiday countdown gets longer each year, it never used to be this hard ! If only it was as easy as our low maintenance neighbours who chuck a few fleeces in a bag and go camping, UGH the thought of it. Not even the sound of glamping does it for me.

Running a few extra miles to ensure a bikini looks great (OK acceptable), is the easiest of the pre holiday planning tasks. A few extra kms were a breeze, a veritable pleasure, but its only the start.
Next there’s the hair cut, my usual stylist needs at least two weeks notice and my favourite salon isn’t cheap. Then there’s the colour, what I spend on the cut, I save on colour and do it myself. I can’t have grey hairs glinting in the sunlight while trying to lounge elegantly on a lounger. So that’s the hair that I actually want suitably tackled…..time to move on to the hair I don’t want. Eyebrows, rampant post 40 moustache and bikini line, lady garden, feminine topiary, call it what you will are all salon waxed by my favourite waxologist (I think I just invented a new job title!) I of course favour a suitable LCA style modest wax of said nether regions, not anything as a horrific as a Hollywood (why would you?) can you imagine the itchy factor when that lot grew back. I’ve suffered the ungainly process of giving birth twice and I’d still find such a beauty treatment too undignified to contemplate, probably beyond my pain threshold too. Then of course you could add a vajazel… that would shred your running lycra, imagine the chaffing
So modestly waxed, I’m still not holiday ready until remaining unnecessary fur is shaved and as always I baulk at the price of those fancy ladies razors with added gooey bits on them but have married enough years to know that shaving your legs and armpits with your man’s razor is grounds for divorce so I do buy my own. 
Next is another post 40 peril, the random hair as thick as a steel cable, requiring a precision  pluck. I’m not even saying where they appear, I’m just saying that hormones clearly have a weird way of sabotaging your once lovely body. Can someone just invent a pill  
that causes all hair below your neck to just drop out!
Finger and toe nails painted next, something bold and ready for the sunshine, this time for me its Tangerine orange, nothing subtle, its ‘toes on tour’ time. And for the finale, the spray tan…..I’ve discovered the San Tropez booth, Mecca for the Essex girl for years. If you haven’t tried it,  you simply don a appear of ridiculous paper pants and stand in a booth adopting weird and wonderful positions as instructed by a young lady who sprays you a new colour. Actually if you filmed the process and then speeded up the movie you’d look like a lead dancer in Saturday Night Fever. Hubby who has a fence sprayer has offered to buy creosote and do the job at a fraction of the price. It has to be a weekend or working from home process because you head home and develop over the next few hours, smelling weirdly like a beef curry!

That’s all there is to being the most gorgeous you can be for 5 star all inclusive luxury, it’s a new concept, start your holiday slim and tanned and get fatter and paler as the week progresses….actually just give me a fleece, I’m going camping !

Categories: Ladies of a Certain Age Running (LCA)

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